A collection of advice from a twenty something with a uniquely cynical view on everything. Sharing the awesome with you as often as I can.
Monday, 19 September 2011
Jesus Take the Wheel – A Guide to Driving in Fredericton
Good Morning Everyone,
I arrived at work today unharmed. I did however, honk my horn a lot. I also needed to sit in my office by myself to calm down a little, as I do most mornings, because of some miscommunication regarding traffic rules in Fredericton. I have come to the conclusion that this is completely my fault and I do apologise. I have been driving in Fredericton for years, and have discovered that Fredericton has its own rules that I should just learn to follow. I have written a few down to share them with the rest of you so we can all make it safely to where we need to be. These are the rules I encounter on the way to work in the morning.
The Rest of the World: Green Light – Proceed
Fredericton: Green Light – Make Car Go!
The Rest of the World: Yellow Light – Slow down, I could turn red at any minute.
Fredericton: Yellow Light – Hurry up, it could turn red at any minute.
The Rest of the World: Red Light – Stop
Fredericton: Red Light – Go More Fasterer! It’s still legally yellow for 10 seconds or until another car gets in your way. Go now!
The Rest of the World: Added Lane – Congratulations, you are approaching an added lane. Speed up to the flow of traffic, indicate your intent to merge with your signal light and merge with the traffic already in the desired lane. You should not have to reduce your speed at all.
Fredericton: What’s a merge? – This is a German word that means act like a complete tool. Slow wayyyy down like you’ve driven into a foreign city that you’re not familiar with, even though you’re on your way to work on the same route you take every morning. Come to a complete stop and wait for all of the traffic to go by unless someone as clueless as you is approaching and also stops in the middle of the road to let you in. If anyone honks their horn, make sure to flip them off and act surprised that they don’t understand our customs.
The Rest of the World: Traffic Circle – Huzzah! You’re approaching a traffic circle. They are the most efficient form of intersection. Remember to always go counter-clockwise, yield to the traffic already in the circle, and signal when you would like to exit.
Fredericton: M@#%$@ F#%^#$^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – Panic! You are entering international waters. There are no longer any rules. It’s basically like playing Rollerball in a Rubik’s cube. Flashing lights will provoke the evil arrow sharks that live in the circle, leave them off. Push your way into the circle, then stop at random exits to let other people in. If you made it out alive, pat yourself on the back. Stop randomly in an added lane later (Preferably on the only bridge to the South Side) and have a moment of silence for those who didn’t make it out.
Thanks for reading..... and if you didn't. I'll be sure to flip you off tomorrow!