Friday, 14 October 2011

Google Is Not a Doctor - By Scott Keenan

As a high functioning hypochondriac, I outwardly ignore all symptoms of illness unless they become so persistent that I’m required to acknowledge them. Though, I know that most mild discomforts are usually the symptoms of much bigger problems like some kind of impending death or terminal illness. Ignoring this knowledge allows me to function like a regular person, but every now and again I slip up and google my symptoms. Google is the worst doctor ever. It knows all of my worst fears and multiplies them by ten. Below are a few of my recent Google searches.

Itchy eyes – Pinkeye, put on some sunglasses and head to the clinic to get a prescription.

Mild cough – Pneumonia, see doctor immediately.

Headache – Terminal Exploding Cancer Aids. Make peace with your enemies….there’s not much time left.

Sore throat – Evil parasitic aliens have hatched inside of you. They are attacking your throat and will most likely erupt out of your face. Just panic!

Sharp pain in my side – you are being eaten by a bear, play dead.


For about ten years I have been experiencing what may or may not be sleep paralysis. I kind of half wake up unable to move. I was pretty sure that I was actually having a dream where I am awake but am paralyzed. Then I struggle a little and finally jolt awake still in the same position as when I was dreaming. I usually have these nightmares during times of stress like exams, periods of unemployment, and that time in the summer when all the shows you like go into re-runs and the only new ones are the terrible summer reality shows (shiver). Recently I discovered what sleep paralysis is and I have all of the symptoms, including the feeling of impending doom. Not always, but sometimes I dream that there is a person in the room watching me lay there, or something is holding me down vs me just not being able to move. When I wake up, whatever it is has disappeared. I fully intended to continue believing that I am just dreaming.

 However, I did wake up around 3am one morning after having this nightmare. I opened my laptop to google my symptoms, and I began to read what appeared to be a credible source. It outlined the scientific explanation of not fully waking up; therefore, some sleep phenomena occur during wakefulness. This includes dreaming and paralysis. This is where the article stopped being helpful.

The site then went on to explain what the “actual” cause of sleep paralysis is, which is an attack by a ghost, demon, devil or negative energy. Super! This, in hindsight, is hilarious. However, at 3am alone in my room, it’s not the most helpful sleep aid. A very convincing pie chart reveals that 60% of all sleep paralysis incidents are the result of an attack by an evil spirit.

Upon further inspection, my specific incident was the result of sorcerers from the 4th region of Hell using their supernatural powers to tie my body with chords of black energy. First, I would like to know how many regions of hell there are. If there are only 4, then it can be assumed that these sorcerers are pretty bad-ass and I should be concerned. If there are like 10, then who cares? These guys are only in region 4. I’ll start to worry when I start to see signs of 6 or 7.

According to Paranormal State, most supernatural activity occurs around 3am. Therefore, this site’s analysis of my situation must be completely valid, as it coincides with a theory from an A&E reality series. I decided that if the problem persists I will need to take action. In consultation with Engineers I have created “to-scale” plans to trap the entity.

Evil Spirit Trap

I am still in the planning stages, but hope to have a model up and running shortly. I will keep you posted. Here is a link to the site I found if you're in the mood to either mock me or terrorize yourself a little. 

No comments:

Post a Comment